Motherhood Thoughts and Fears

I’m almost 25, and my boyfriend turned 28 earlier this year. We’re adults. I’m two years older than my mom was when she had me, six years older than my grandma was when she had me. So if we go by years I still have two more years before I should have my first child. But that’s not how it works. 

The first girl who had a baby in my year in school was 16. Another followed close after. And in the last few years many others have had their first and second child as well. Last November my oldest friend had a baby. I’ve visited twice since then – in my defense I’ve only been home three times since she had him. With everyone buying apartments, having kids, upgrading to houses, having more kids… It’s easy to feel like you’re falling behind, when you’re almost 25 and still in school (master’s degree is still school), living with roommates that weren’t your choice, and the only jobs you’ve had are seasonal or weekends only. But a couple of weeks ago I found this quote on Instagram, which was really something that I needed to hear:

I visited my friend with the baby while I was home for Easter holiday. He is five months old, and when he wasn’t sleeping he was giggling and sucking on his fingers and we played airplane and with a stuffed elephant with toys on it and he was so incredibly cute! 

When I came home I had a message in a group chat with me and two other friends asking what we’re doing today so I said I just came home and was putting on laundry because I had some drool and spit up on me. One of my friends responded with a heart eye emoji. Both of the girls in the group chat are in serious want of babies. They’re a year younger than me. I’m not in the same want of babies. And I don’t feel like heart eye emojis at spit up and drool. 

Of course I’m gonna have babies someday. But is there something wrong with me when my uterus isn’t screaming for them, and I don’t feel like heart eye emojis at the thought of baby fluids at the age of almost 25? Hanging out with a 5-month old was fun, but I was a bit scared of hurting him when holding him, even now that he was much larger than the last time I saw him, when he was only 5 weeks old and so fragile I was scared to even touch him, and I couldn’t move him when he moved in my arms when I was holding him. Will this change, if the baby is mine? Or do I not have what it takes to be a good and loving mother? Is there any way of knowing? How do I put up with the not knowing until I know? 

~ Julie 

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Post-Holiday Feelings

Good Friday, everyone!

I’m back from my mini holiday. which you may or may not have picked up on me going on, depending on how closely you read my blog. I left last Saturday, and I came back home yesterday (actually this morning at 2am).

Today has been weird. I usually feel weird the morning after coming home from visiting my boyfriend, but this was different, because it was our first holiday away together. We’ve stayed in hotels in London before, and he came to visit me last summer and we stayed in my parents’ house while they were on vacation, but this was our first time going away together, properly.

Being in a long distance relationship isn’t easy. You’d think it gets easier with time, and the being apart thing somewhat does, but the going our separate ways at an airport never does. It’s the worst feeling in the world, going home but not with the one you love. We’ve been doing this for a year and a half now, and I’m getting really tired of it. I just wish we could live together so that at the end of a holiday like this we’d be going home together, not to separate homes. But with how our situations are now, neither of us are able to move so we’ll just have to keep doing what we do and cope with the suckiness of it all.

This post is a little bit all over the place, because that’s how I feel today. I don’t feel like I’ve slept enough. I want a drink. I miss Spain, and Norway is snowy. I feel restless and exhausted at the same time. I miss my boyfriend. I’m having post-holiday depression. I know I need to get back to normal, I have a month to finish my thesis and I have almost everything left to write…

I want to write a post about Alicante later, when I feel a little more normal than I do at this point. But it’s coming!

I want to start blogging more regularly, and in doing so I want to do something my boyfriend suggested, which is this: For a week, I will not post a single thing. Everything I write will be scheduled, a post a day; that way I will create a backlog. It also helps that I have a list of things I want to blog about, that I’ve just written as the topics pop into my head when I don’t have time to write the post itself. Then I will try to keep the schedule going so that I will be posting once a day, and we’ll see how that goes!

How is everyone doing?

~ Julie