Not a Castle, Not on a Hill

I am absolutely in love with the Ed Sheeran song “Castle on the Hill”! If you haven’t heard it, you absolutely need to, so I’m gonna add the music video here:

(I hope this works, I haven’t tried adding videos to this blog yet, only my old ones which were on a different platform.)

Today, my two best friends and I are going on a road-trip. Exciting! We’re going to my home town and the town where I went to high school, to visit my grandparents, pick up a painting, see where I went to school and where I work in the summer, visit my parents and my brother, and then drive back. One of my friends has been to my town and seen and done all of this before, so now she gets to drive and we show everything to the other one! I’m super excited!

My home town is the kind of place that you like a lot better when you haven’t lived there your entire life. I’m guessing most people can relate, especially those who grew up in a small town where everyone knows everyone and rumors spread like wildfire. But now, I am able to appreciate the beauty, to see things in a new way, and I wouldn’t be completely opposed to living there one day, although I’m guessing it wouldn’t be my boyfriend’s first choice, being a Londoner and all! It doesn’t have a castle on a hill, it barely has hills, but there are fields and the ocean and forests not too far away, and wildlife and town life and the city I currently live in is only an hour away.

Anyway. I have some things to do before we leave, so I’ll write more some other time! Hope you all have a good day!

~ Julie

It gets better, I promise!

It’s not yet noon and I’m already exhausted. What a great way to start a blog entry, right? Definitely inspires the readers to go on! Bear with me though.

I had a doctor’s appointment today, had to run around to four different pharmacies, and ended up going back home instead of to uni. Now I’m sat, cross-legged in bed, with my laptop not quite balancing unless I keep my hands down, tears are drying on my cheeks. But they’re good tears.

Yesterday I posted the same entry in two different groups on facebook, asking for help managing time and balancing thesis work with taking care of myself (the latter seems to never be prioritized). I didn’t expect much, but I’ve got an enormous amount of response. Some more helpful than others, naturally, but the fact that someone actually sat down and wrote two, three, four paragraphs in response to my post, it’s quite overwhelming. I definitely got a few good tips and tricks that I will try out, starting today, after lunch, which I will eat after posting this entry.

I also wrote a really long ramble in a group chat to my two best friends not long ago. The amount of good words, hearts, and virtual hugs… I almost feel like I don’t deserve it. But when it comes to mental health – I have a history of being a bit destructive. And now it’s affecting my physical health, and possibly my future, so I need to turn things around.

I am, however, the queen of procrastination, so I think before I can do anything, I will have a nap!

~Julie

Just a thought about validation

People. Myself as well as others. We very often need validation from other people to feel okay with being who we are. And that really sucks. I know from experience that when I don’t hear from people for a few days I start to think I must not be interesting enough or important enough to them, otherwise we would have spoken. Constantly needing confirmation and reassurance that people want you in their life is exhausting. Not only do you feel like they may not want you in their life, but when this happens with many people at the same time you also start to feel incredibly lonely and abandoned.

Writing the word “abandoned” just now made me think of abandoned buildings and train tracks and things left in forests. You’ve probably seen “abandoned places” accounts on twitter for example. I always thought that they were beautiful and interesting. And perhaps that is the case with humans too? We can still be beautiful and interesting even though people don’t talk to us all the time. I think maybe that’s a way I need to try to start thinking on days like today…

– Julie 

How We Should Protect Ourselves (but never do)

Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.
– 
Holden, The Catcher in the Rye

Personally, I have a twist on this quote, an idea I would like to share with you. Something I wish I was more capable of controlling myself. It goes like this:

Don’t ever think anything about anybody. If you do, you start missing everybody.

What I mean about this is… As people, when we get to know other people, we start thinking things. Imagining things. Creating scenarios in our heads that the people are a part of. It’s all good and well so far. We’re aware that they’re just daydreams and imaginations, they’re not real. But the people are. These imaginations and scenarios are things we want to do with these people. Things that maybe someday will happen. Conversations we’ll maybe have, someday. Places we’ll maybe go to. All good and well so far.

The problem with this, I propose to you, goes something like this: those people aren’t real either. They are our imagined versions of these people. How we want them to be. The things we want them to say. Things we imagine maybe someday they will actually say. We know them, we know how they talk and behave, and all we do is take this a step furter and create situations in our heads. Correction: All we think we do. But something else happens, that we may or may not be aware of. We begin to apply the imagined version to the real person. We look for traits in the real people that fit the fantasy. We begin to believe that the imaginary version is the real person. But they’re not.

People, sooner or later, in one way or another, will let you down. They’ll say or do or be something that doesn’t fit with the imagination. They’ll shatter the illusion. Naturally, we blame them. “This isn’t who you are, you’ve changed, you’ve never been like this before” we might say. It’s their fault. They don’t fit the version that we’ve created. The version WE’VE created. We. Us. I. The individual. Our mind. We are to blame. We created the imaginary version of the real person. We are to blame, not the person. They never promised to be this or do that or say a certain thing. We expected them to because the made-up version of them did. But the actual person never agreed to being who the imagined version them are.

We let ourselves down. We lead ourselves on. We break our own hearts. The person didn’t do anything wrong. They didn’t do anythign at all. They just weren’t how you made them out to be in your head. And that’s your fault, my fault, each our own fault, and not the person’s fault. We hurt ourselves. If we didn’t do this, we’d be more protected. But it’s impossible not to. We can’t fight what’s inside of us. Well sometimes we can, but fighting ourselves is the most unnatural thing in the world because we are everything that we are. Maybe. Not necessarily. Other sides of this can be argued (think: “We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are”). But if you drag that statement into this it becomes a matter of distinguishing right from wrong and knowing the difference. What I propose is that imagining scenarios and creating versions of people is on the light side, the right side, we don’t see anything wrong with it, which is why it’s unnatural to fight this part of who we are.

Before I lose my point completely: the last part of my twist on the famous sentence from the famous book taught in most high school literature classes. If you do, you start missing everybody. People turn out not to be how we imagined them, how we wanted them to be. When we find this out, we have to come to terms with that. Accept that they’re not who we thought they were. And that isn’t necessarily easy. You may feel like you’ve been lied to (by the person, but really by your head). If you can come to terms with who they are, who the REAL person is, then maybe you can have a wonderful friendship (or relationship or whatever it is that you might have). But if you can’t, you’ll probably end up not having anything to do with them. And you may find yourself missing them. But you don’t miss the real person, you miss the imaginations, the fantasies, the daydreams, about the person you have by this point discovered doesn’t exist. Holding on to those is hard to do once you know the person isn’t like that. So you end up missing them, too.

Don’t ever think anything about anybody. If you do, you start missing everybody.

This entry was inspired by this tumblr post.

~ Julie