Hallelujah – You’re Home

Last week, I read Sophie’s entry on losing her nan earlier this year. I lost my grandmother on October 25th, 2016. I’m still struggling with it myself. I’ve never really lost anyone before. A great-grandmother when I was a child, but we weren’t close and I was a child. But I’m 24 now, and my grandmother and I were really close.

She died on a Tuesday. I didn’t really know how sick she was until the Friday before. She had been in the hospital for a while, but I thought she’d recover. I thought maybe we could go there around Christmas, so that I could visit her; I hadn’t seen her since May 2015, it’s an 8-hour drive to where they live. Tuesday morning at 8am my mom called me, saying my uncle had called Monday afternoon. Grandma had been asking for my dad, and my uncle said he needed to get down there now. My dad drove all night and arrived early in the morning, right before my mom called me and told me all of this. I lit a candle in the morning. It’s like I knew. Around 5pm my phone rang. I was sure it was my mom, but it was my roommate inviting me to a customers’ night at a hair and beauty salon. It was barely 5 minutes after that that my phone rang again. It was my mom, and I could hear it in her voice when she asked if I was home. And then she said “Now, grandma has died.”

The funeral was on the 4th of November. I went back to the city on the 7th. I had a month and a half before Christmas. And I was just supposed to go back to my life? Like nothing had changed? Like my entire world hadn’t just changed? I couldn’t do it. I still can’t do it. My life isn’t the same. Sometimes I forget that she’s dead, and I think I should call her. And then I remember that I can’t. I don’t even remember the last time I spoke to her. I know I called her a few days before her birthday in February, because I would be abroad on her birthday. There’s a possibility that we talked in the summer while my parents were on vacation, my boyfriend thinks I talked to her while he was here with me. But I don’t remember. And I feel so incredibly guilty, because that means I didn’t call her often enough. How can I forgive myself for something like that?

It’s Easter time of year. I spend Easter with my grandparents many times as a child. Once, we were woken up and ran all around the house looking for Easter eggs – which we ended up finding in our beds. My grandmother had a lot of tiny fluffy yellow chickens around the house. I walked around collecting them in my tiny hand once, they were all so squished they never recovered. It’s Easter, and she’s not here. I couldn’t call her to wish her Happy Easter, I couldn’t catch her up on what’s been happening in my life, and her telling me not much has changed with her. Meaning to hang up at least four times but not doing it because we remembered something else to talk about. I miss my grandmother this Easter.

There are many songs that make me think of my grandmother, too. Some of them don’t even have anything to do with her. This song came out too recently for her to have heard it, but a couple of weeks ago it made me cry on the bus on my way to uni, because it made me think of her. This song, is Supermarked Flowers by Ed Sheeran.

~ Julie

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