Destructive Living

Sleep. Eat. Study. Repeat.

That’s how it feels, a lot of the time. That feels like what life is all about… And I know it’s temporary. I know there will come a time in my life when it’s not all about studying and getting my degree, or the next degree. But here’s the thing. I have some certain destructive tendencies, which make it to the surface despite me working on burying them as far down as humanly possible, sometimes.

Let’s start with the first one: sleep. Everyone knows the importance of sleep, right? We need REM sleep in order to process memories, to transfer knowledge from short term to long term memory… In order to recover muscles and our bodies in general. Sleep is important. Some also say that teenagers sleep the most… but when I was a teenager I could sleep 5 hours and be good to go and feel great the following day – that is not possible now. I can’t tell you how many times my day has been ruined due to lack of sleep, or bad quality sleep for one reason or another, and when I make it through that day I can sleep 8 or 10 hours the following night and still be exhausted when I wake up. But maybe that’s because I’ve slept too long. It makes no sense. Sleeping is supposed to be the easiest thing in the world – you just fall asleep, and then you sleep until you wake up. Yeah, not so much…

Next, eating. When I was younger, I didn’t eat much. I went through a period a couple of years after I stopped eating meat where I noticed I lost a lot of weight and it became an obsession to lose weight and at a point I pretty much only ate dinner with my family because that was mandatory. Going to America for a year when I was 17 helped a little. But what helped the most was starting exercising when I was 19-20. Most of the time I eat good, and a friend of mine started calling me a hobbit, because I am short and I eat very often! But sometimes I slip up. Last week I had one of those. I’d even brought lunch with me when I went to a friend’s house to work for the day, because the last time I did that I didn’t eat enough throughout the day. But I didn’t eat dinner that day. I was so hungry when I got home, but my roommate was cooking and I didn’t want to intrude so I sat down. My two roommates and I talked for a couple hours but my headache, which arrived after the gym, was getting so bad, and because I didn’t eat right away I got nauseated and couldn’t eat. So I took a shower and went to bed. My actions were very noticeable the following day, with more headaches and extreme hunger, a so-called “hollow day”.

Lastly, studying. When the sleeping and the eating get disrupted, the studying does too. Studying is pretty much all I’ve done my entire life, for nearly 20 years straight now, in one shape or form of another. In order to relate this to the headline of this entry, let’s look at procrastination, or as I like to call it: completely jeopardizing my future. Because that’s where I’m at. I have this huuuge project that I need to finish in two months now, and I don’t quite know how to do it, so I procrastinate. Or, sometimes, I have really productive days, which are usually followed by another day or two of doing little to nothing because of headaches or exhaustion or depression, all of which are difficult to separate sometimes, they’re not necessarily clear-cut…

And then I sleep. And tomorrow, I have to get up and do it all over again.

Anyone else experiencing anything like this? I’d love to hear from you!

~ Julie

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2 thoughts on “Destructive Living

  1. I can really relate to this! Especially nearing the end of term it feels like there is no time for anything else. As hard as it is I think it’s important to try and remember to take some time off to look after yourself and not feel guilty about it!

    Liked by 1 person

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