6.15

I need to find a way to actually get out of bed when my alarm goes off. Actually, I need to find a way to not check my phone and scroll through everything that’s happened on twitter and facebook since I fell asleep. I know the first thing everyone would suggest – to put my alarm away from my bed so that I have to get up to turn it off. I’ve tried that before. Doesn’t go so well. I usually end up going back and sit on my bed anyway. I suppose I could try putting my phone away, since I have a separate alarm clock, but most nights I fall asleep on the phone to my boyfriend and I can’t do that when my phone is somewhere else, so I really don’t know what to do. I’ve even sat and watched youtube videos on how to get up early without finding anything useful.

Writing a master’s thesis is all-consuming. It’s the first thing I think about in the morning. The last thing I think about at night. Sometimes my stomach clenches and I can’t breathe for worrying about this damn paper. And it’s not even like I’m that far behind. My supervisor said he didn’t expect me to start writing until this semester, and I started writing on the 9th of January, the first day of the semester, and I’ve spent 8 days actually writing, which if you think about it means I’ve had normal weekends and one day off writing a week, and I spent most of last week having migraines, and I’ve been to a workshop twice, and at least one day I was working but not writing. I feel like I’m making excuses. But I have nothing to make excuses for.

This morning I was thinking  about this all-consumingness of writing a thesis while attempting to curl my hair or something (the result is debatable, my hair doesn’t take curls very well). How do people do it? How do they live normal lives, with friends and boyfriends and girlfriends, shopping, going to the gym, traveling, enjoying life, laughing… How do they do it, without being sucked into the black hole that is thesis writing, without succumbing to fear, depression, panic… How? I really need to know.

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